To my dearest,
I was told to just write,to write without thinking so that’s what I’ll do. I struggle with many things and completing big projects is one of them. My mind becomes busy chaotic, without order and most of the time I drop the ball somewhere. I haven’t really been feeling my best lately but I’m making it. I went to my psychiatrist last week, it went well. I was able to get some meds adjusted thank God because getting out of bed and showering has been horrific. I wake up and my body gets heavier and heavier with each breath. I sink into my bed and gaze out the window wondering how in the hell am I about to get up and gather myself. It’s not always about feeling sad it’s the inability to function that kills me. Life seems to fly when I am unwell yet it moves so slow through my eyes. I can sit in filth and be unbothered. Weird enough I find comfort in my depression. It’s all I have known for so long I am use to it…I don’t know it’s hard to explain. Imagine living in complete darkness 24/7 then boom somebody turns the light on. You would squint your eyes, cover your face because why? It is too bright.
I have found comfort in my depression. It is expected and has been for some time now. It comes in waves but never seems to completely settle. There is always a lingering thought, “Do I want to live?”, “I am exhausted I can’t today.”, “Where can I hide bundle up and cry?”. This is my life this is what I live with. It is kind of odd seeing it on paper but it is true. Then let’s not forget those other thoughts, the negative self talk is what they call it. “You’re lazy.”, is one of my favs. I hear that on repeat all day everyday, it never seems to fail me.
But hey on the bright side I am better than I use to be, way better. I can appreciate that. It is not always bad bad, I do have my days where I am up and at it. Getting stuff done and let me tell you I cherish those 24 hours! Feeling capable of getting my life together and completing my to do list is a win in my book. It may seem simple but it is far from.
I am curious of what life is like without depression. I look at others and wonder; I wonder what it feels like to have one or two bad days. Not so good moments and justified tears. I wonder what it feels like to be free from emotional turmoil and lies. I can’t imagine, but I do wonder. Life without depression, what would that be?
XOXO,
