My Tears,

To my dearest,

Ok so here’s the deal, I am addicted to progress. I love challenges and it is as simple as that. I’m getting better with balance, life work blah blah. I am still on the fence about dating. I think I’ll pray about it. I need to find a church home or at least get back to studying the word. I am excited about success, really excited. Sometimes silence comes over me and I’m like wow girl look where you have gotten? Remember where you once were? How you lived, what you tolerated? Who you hurt how much you cried? I used tears to fall asleep for years. It was my time to rest and release my dread. I am grateful for today, for tonight for tearless nights. I cry out of amazement and value. I cry when joyful and excited. I ball when I am thankful and weep when I reflect. My tears are different. They carry hope and relief, respect, and confidence. MY tears are powerful and bold. My tears whisper keep going it is ok, it’s worth it, you deserve it all. My tears are real. No more fear shame or doubt. Only progress success and thankfulness.

xoxo,

Sane Jane 

Our Depression is Real.

To my dearest,

Our depression is real. Take my mental health seriously. Do you know the trauma I have experienced before turning 18? Can you imagine only knowing hopelessness, I can. My bare necessities are hard to come by why must simple things be so difficult. You know I wonder why in my community suicide is the 2nd leading cause of death between ages 15-24. You know it is far too common hearing my sisters and brothers wanting to give up because living has become too much, it's exhausting they say. Our depression is real. Take my mental health seriously. 

Why are blacks more likely to experience endless sadness yet receive very little help? Don’t you all care? Can’t you see me when I finally make it to my appointment and tell you I can’t take it anymore, can you help? Are you aware you’re not just treating me but my family as well. You see education beats stigma but if you don’t see me and I mean really see me you’ve yet again failed. Between misdiagnoses, pure disbelief and denial of my pain I’m yet back to square one. You say I’m angry I say I’m depressed. You say I’m lazy, no I’m depressed. You say I don’t care and simply ungrateful, no I’m depressed. Our depression is real. Take my mental health seriously. 

Educate me, educate my mom, educate my dad. Educate my siblings and grandparents. Our depression is real. Take my mental health seriously. 

To my dearest,

Sept. 2018

To my dearest,

It seems odd I am just now writing you. Two years ago my therapist discharged me after four years of therapy leaving me with a few words. I won’t list them all but she stated in her last comment, “Your parents are your biggest supporters.”. It is odd I have not written you yet. It is odd I tend to leave you out of my speaking engagements. It is so odd I am just now writing you this.

There is so much to be thankful for I do not know if words will manage to tell my abundant love and appreciation and overall admiration of you dedication to me, my health and the purpose of Sane Jane. I never asked your perspective of these 5 years. I have never once thought about your journey to recovery. I never considered your trauma as you witnessed you baby girl deteriorate. I never considered the amount of love that fueled your strength. I am even guilty of taking all of the credit for my recovery in front of thousands without the mention of your efforts;

Needless to say I hope this thank you is well spoken and received. I hope you feel my urge to cry as I write each word, my God look what you’ve done.

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To my dearest,

Our journey is unheard of. Many have stories but we have a victory. We have faced hospitalization family therapy, tense nights and solemn mornings. We have spent those unspoken hours frightened to the core. We have slept on couches and floors just to rest for a moment. My God look what you have done. I cannot even begin to write it all.

We have traveled the country me on stage, you in the audience. We have sacrificed out privacy to share hope light and joy. We pray together, we laugh together. We talk daily. It has become so ordinary I have forgot to mention you. I can’t believe I am just now writing you.

You each have this special affect on me. You have a unique volume of love shown in each and everything you do say and think. When you look at me I pray you see my thank you. When I speak I hope you feel the roots of my success. When we hug I hope you feel the desperation of me saying thank you as best I can. 

This is our journey our recovery our healing space. 

Every breath you gave me. Every chance I get to increase my worth and understand my value you provided the path. Each step I take you gave me direction. I have no words but I pray my actions follow suit and say thank you. I love you, the best is to come. Stay with me on this journey shaw with me this purpose. Love me when I am empty . Always remind me of my roots. I pray you see my admiration as I continue to speak touch and heal. I can’t believe I’m just now writing you. The truth is clear as day now, you are my number one supporters.

XOXO,